Idealized Cold War Spy

Okay, I admit it. I look (and sometimes behave a little)like an idealized Cold War spy. But let us all be completely honest. Do you not think I have always been far too conspicuous to ever be anyone's field agent?

Ten years ago I walked into the Bourgeois Pig in Los Angeles and made everyone nervous and anxious until the barista finally asked me what I was famous for. I shyly admitted, "I'm not famous; I'm a mathematics grad student." I am a little too memorable-looking to have ever have been a spy.

After all, if I wanted a government job, I would have chosen astronaut. Sigh... I keep hearing people mumble about wanting me to run for president. I guess I would turn 35 in time for Voting Day 2012.

But look at the current asshole with the office right now. Look at the douche bag who held the office before him. It is pretty damn obvious that I am too intelligent and compassionate to take the job. I care too much to end up a US President.

If you insist on writing me in, make me Noam Chomsky's vice president.

Did you yet hear President Incompetent's opinion of reaching the debt ceiling? DID HE NEVER TAKE BASIC HIGH SCHOOL MATH???? He wants the debt ceiling raised.

We need a high school math teacher to go to Washington, DC to give the nation's leaders a lesson on exponential growth and compounding interest. If the debt ceiling is raised, it will be exponentially more difficult to pay off, and the deficit will approach the new debt ceiling at an exponentially faster rate.

Obama the Moron does not want the impending economic meltdown to occur on his watch. He would rather make it exponentially worse and pray that someone else will have to deal with it. This is a real problem. This is a real problem that needs to be fixed now. This is a real problem that needs to be fixed before it gets any worse.

The felonious misconduct while in office of Obama the Terrorist actually does go beyond perpetrating human rights violations against all of America and most heinously against me. It includes murdering Osama bin Laden before putting him on trial. Do not let in include conspiracy to raise the debt ceiling to ensure America's complete and utter future economic meltdown and collapse.

Speaking of money, my father moved $100 into my checking account on Sunday. It is the first of my own money I have seen in two months. What the hell is $100 every two months supposed to get me? Or is that my criminal father's attempt to buy his redemption with my own money? Asshole.

I bought a surprise for all of you with it. Unless I get a miracle rescue first, you will all see my surprise gift to all of you on Saturday, May 28th, 2011. A rescue would be better, but I am doing all I can.

It is the natural order of chemical reactions in the human body to want to support and nurture your own offspring. When presented with a choice between serving an evil dictator hell bent on oppressing all of humanity with human rights violation after human rights violation or doing the right thing and supporting the rights and freedoms of your own child, even a dead beat dad knows that he is supposed to choose his own child over serving a conspiracy of evil.

My father does not even have compassion for me considering the horror after horror I have had to face and live through. He actually goes out of his way to break laws to be able to harm me as much as possible. All of you out there, be grateful for the dads you have. There is no way they could be as bad as mine.

Sweetness, now that I see you in a "Pirates of the Caribbean" commercial at least twice a day, I must admit something dazzlingly true about you. You are a much bigger deal than your sex appeal. I do happen to know how that feels, too. I always said I see myself in you. You never disappoint.