Interview with a Squid

I know what you are wondering...

"Squid, with everything Obama the Sociopath and his cohorts have done to you, with all of your friends terrorized and kept away from you, with no human rights but your freedom of speech, how do you stay in such a good mood and keep your sense of humor?"

Well, the answer to that question is simple. If I let them ruin me, they win. For so long it has been a fight for me to neither let them kill me nor drive me mad. It really rubs them raw that I can be nothing but benevolent through all of this. The extra icing on the cake is when I force them to deal with my unstoppable sense of humor. They hate that I am a living witness to everything they have done to me... and after all they have done, it annoys the living bejeesus out of them when I glow.

"How did you come to your conclusions about the New World Order, President Incompetent, and the Wall Street conspiracy?"

There is a two-year history, now, of illicit substances being snuck into my food, drink, and body against my will. While in the UK, my only source of water was full of testosterone, steroids, meow-meow (It is related to e and was the latest craze in Liverpool.), and LSD. I also hated going to sleep every night because attackers would come in my room, and I would wake up with new bruises every morning from being battered and drugged the night before. It was in this altered state that everything clicked for me; the entire idea came together. A global conspiracy is not something that dawns on normal people going about normal everyday lives. Now that I have come to, the entire conjecture still holds together. I have a lot of internalized logic, and I think it really takes care of me when I get in a bind.

"Do you think you can prove your conjectures?"

I will not have the freedom to get my hands on the evidence until I can get to my human rights, but most of it is proven already. People just need to get all of the pieces next to each other. There is always a paper trail. Where did Obama the Oppressor's campaign money come from? Where will it come from this time? Who did President Incompetent appoint to big executive branch positions? Where, like the Wall Street bailout, did Obama the Sociopath send government funding? It is all there. All the information is out there. Has anyone been able to get their hands on the doctrines of the New World Order, yet?

"Some people call you Jesus. We all know you are an a(e)theist. How do you feel about that?"

At my most basic, I am really just a nerd. A thinker. A dreamer. Yes, a lover. I was picked out to be a victim, but instead of letting myself fall apart, I chose from the start to accept the responsibilities that landed on me. I take being a working-class hero very seriously. Yes, I am an a(e)theist, and it is not just to help keep the peace that I say that. I really am an a(e)theist. But I thoroughly understand how important religion is in this world. Religion is how people make sense of the universe, of themselves, and of each other. I have heard a lot of things from Aphrodite to the Messiah... and yes, it makes me a little uncomfortable. But if people see something in me and if by seeing it they make the world a better place, why not just go with it? It will not change who I am or what I do in this world. I am still going to go through life passionately being myself.

"You say you get pro-noia still. What is it? and what are the signs?"

You know what paranoia is, right? It is the irrational feeling that people or entities are out to get you. Well, pro-noia is the irrational belief that people or entities are conspiring to do good things to you instead of bad. I get it all the time. I believe there is good in this world. I have faith in humanity. I have said it so many times, if people can just get to the truth, they will do the right thing. It might just be my vanity giving me the belief that I inspire a conspiracy of good in this world. But that feeling gets me through the day. And I can get so much done in just one day.

"How do you feel about the weight you gained in the torture facility in the UK in 2010?"

Luckily, public opinion of me is not based on what I look like but instead on what I can accomplish in this world. Even my legendary sexual charms never had anything to do with my physical appearance but always hinged on my incorruptible personality and glowing sense of humor. I gained weight in the supposed hospital in Liverpool because of the chemicals they tortured me with constantly. Luckily, they only made me gain weight. They could not make me give up on humanity. I have not gained weight since I left, and once the chemicals completely wear off (I think the last of the testosterone will finally have run its course by the end of July 2011.) I will finally have a chance to lose weight. My experiments with exercise earlier this year made my breasts shrink, and I hate it when that happens.

"How do you keep your hair so healthy?"

Despite public opinion that I am constantly glamorous, I am actually very low-maintenance. My hair is a testament to the perils of over styling. I do not even (remember to) brush my hair everyday... and it looks its best about three days after its last washing. I just let my hair do what it wants. Freedom does wonders.

"You could have chosen any living human above the age of 18 as your significant other. Why did you choose Johnny Depp?"

I am not an idiot. Hee-hee... Okay, let me explain. This goes well beyond 'Do you believe in destiny?' First of all, I fall in love with certain personality types... intelligent, passionate people who are simultaneously strong and shy. I do not fall in love with weak personalities, but I find something helplessly genuine in people who are a little socially awkward. Let us all admit it, he always comes across a little awkward in an interview. Secondly, I know his type. My sweetness always falls for doe-eyed, innocent-looking, girlie girls. Being with me, though something that will likely make him feel a little awkward, should be something a little familiar to him, too. Thirdly, I know how much he loves me. He might be a brilliant actor, but he cannot hide how much he love he has for me. He would cross a bridge of sword blades on his bare hands and knees to be with me. Who can fight a love like this? Fourthly, I see myself in him. It might be vanity to fall in love with someone who reminds me of myself, but who he is makes sense to me. I can trust him as much as I can trust myself. That is invaluable. Finally, in order to have a successful relationship, I know I need a romantic equal. I am a die hard egalitarian, and I need an equal in my bedroom. My Mr. Love-of-my-Life is more than a heart throb, and so am I. He does to my heart what I do to his.