Thursday, February 11, 2016

Bucket List

Title: Bucket List

Please access my iCloud if necessary to publish this post now, my friends. Please share this for me with the entire world, both houses of Congress, the Supreme Court, the United Nations, all sympathetic world leaders, all reputable national and foreign presses, etc.

Here is my latest blog post. Look at my miserable living conditions forbidden everything that makes life livable by Terrorist Dictator Obama and his damned "egg." Do you have any idea everything Obama has ordered I suffer through since he took office?!? I said it in 2009, and I will say it again now, "Jealous bitches can't dance." Giggle.

It hurts Obama's terrorist conspiracy more when my beautiful world sees me genuinely and defiantly happy. My sense of humor is my weapon of choice in this "egg" so desolate of human joys that all I have is the dress on my back and my wits to get me by.

Syria. It is so difficult to keep track of who is fighting whom in Syria. But there is no denying the civilians need peace returned to their homeland. My darling Foreign Minister Lavrov promised me that there would be elections for a unity government. Is there any way for me to get an update on that?

My last blog post was finished at 8:55am on Tuesday, 09Feb2016, Fat Tuesday. Le bon ton roulet! My internet gnomes played me Where Have You Been by my darling Ms. Rihanna. I tweeted my morning I-am-not-dead-yet selfies at 9:01am.


9:18am on 09Feb2016: @SynivaWhitney Hey, BFF! Happy 39th birthday! Let's feed them cake today. I love you, and I miss you.

The California weather was beautiful. I did my best to stay in the shade as I spent my morning singing and writing.

I ate my chili-stuffed potato with split pea soup for lunch at noon with Kevin, Nicholas, and Cicero. And I was inside the Pico Branch Library watching my late night talk shows from the previous evening as fast as I could get there.

I was on the bus to downtown Santa Monica by 3:18pm. I do not have a lot of money for buying meals, so during the week I usually cannot arrive downtown until after dinner. But I had errands to run that late afternoon.

Errands taken care of, I bought an early dinner at the Steak'N'Shake at 3:55 and perched next to my darling Mr. Jason "Strummer" Mraz since he was playing music on my Promenade at 4pm.

My not-human-trafficker nerds, please include here a verified, responsibly-edited, time-and-date-stamped recording with full audio and visuals of my and Strummer's Unchained Melody duet from last year. I was still living homeless back then.

At 5:35pm, after my darling Strummer had finished and was packing up his gear, ODean stopped by to say, "Hi!" to me. I am sure our chat will hit the highlights reel.

I found my darling Mrs. Patricia "GrandMama" at 5:49pm. We immediately walked to the Santa Monica Place for coffee. We found Thomas' inside giving away free bagels.

I won a dozen everything bagels playing "Toast Your Luck," and the more than sweet staff made sure Patricia was gifted a new bagel after she gave hers away to a homeless man. I am sure it will hit the highlights reel.

My darling GrandMama and I had a long conversation over coffee and bagels there in the Santa Monica Place about everything from the California climate to Patricia's beliefs about Buddhism.

Practically under Patricia's command, I streamed the NBC Nightly News from previous in the evening online at 7:12pm. My nightly cyberhug came from my darling Mr. Lester "G.I. Joe" Holt, and it made me glad I fight like a girl.

My genius Powers of Attorney must have been making progress because instead of alarms 24/7 as I had become used to, the first torture facility alarm of the day did not blare until 7:51pm.

7:53pm on 09Feb2016: #TortureFacilityAlarm! What is their lie this time? And who still lets PROVEN war criminals in their courtroom?#BlisteringCounterCharges @UN

By 8:37pm, I was sitting in my usual seat in Harvelle's sipping a glass of bourbon and waiting for my darlings Tentacle to play.

There were three women including myself seated at the bend in the bar. None of us had met before that night but made polite conversation. The lady right next to me was so SoCal she brought a salad in with her, talked with the bartendress about yoga, and drank a high falutin' red wine in the blues bar. Blues bars are meant for gin and whiskey.

A man named Bob bought us a round before walking over to flirt with us. I am sure the exchange I had with him at the bar plus the words we shared on the dance floor will hit the highlights reel.

There was an opening band, but my darlings Tentacle finally ascended to the stage at 10:24pm. And for almost two hours, all was good in my world. Naia's parents even tore up the stage a few times.

They played a strong set that led straight into their jam session. The music did not end until 12:12am.

It was after the last bus, so I caught a taxi back to my place. The driver was a sweetheart. I set an alarm, something I only rarely do and was in bed, curled up, and asleep by 1am.

On the morning of Wednesday, 08Feb2016, I was awake to shut off my alarm at 6am but kept sleeping until 9:07am when I finally rolled out of bed. I had planned on leaving before breakfast but was finally on the bus to Point Dume at 9:34am.

It is a long trip to Point Dume by bus, and I was already three hours later than I wanted to be due to sleeping in. I bought tomatoes and cream cheese at the Point Dume Village, one of my favorite hang outs, and made sure the Cafecito Organico was open late enough for me to return after walking to the beach.

By 12:18pm, I was perched on a rock by the tide pools of Point Dume. I did my daily writing in the shade of the cliffs and picnicked on bagels with cream cheese until I ran out of fresh tomatoes.

I travel to Point Dume to talk to Mother Nature. It is one of the remotest beaches I am capable of reaching, and I hike her trails barefoot the moment I cross onto her land. From Tony Stark's house to the Planet of the Apes, my favorite state park also has a long film history.

I sat down at my favorite coffee shop in Malibu, the Cafecito Organico, at 2:36pm. Ever since my first visit in Sep2014 after fleeing EVIL Iowa for my life, Malibu always treated me as one of their own.

Once outside my coffee shop, a lady asked me if I lived there, and I said (paraphrase), "No, but my dad does." Did you see all of the businesses in the Point Dume Village? Ask what I left in Ollie's Duck & Dive last time I visited.

My mom called me through FaceTime while I was watching the Late Show. My not-human-trafficker nerds, please circulate a verified and unedited recording with full audio and visuals of my video chat with my mom. There is a reason everyone loves her.

My late night talk show hosts were as hysterical as always. I was on the bus back to Santa Monica at 5:52pm.

I walked around the Promenade and the Pier to see who was out and about. I could not find anyone to talk to until I happened upon an old friend under a streetlight. By 7:47pm, he was playing some darling late Johann Sebastian Bach for me. I am sure our chat will hit the highlights reel.

At 8:18pm, I finally perched on a park bench on my 3rd Street Promenade next to a street musician I had just met. He called himself Billy. We chatted, and he played even through the torture facility alarms for compulsive threats to me that my genius Powers of Attorney mitigated quickly.

At 9:32pm, my darling ODean joined us. He offered me fruits and nuts as snacks and sang duets with Billy. Many people came and went that night. Ken rode up on his bicycle to be able to give me coffee at 10:12pm. We all hung out on the Promenade until Billy packed up and left at 10:27pm. You are going to love the highlights reel.

I finally left Ken sprawled out on the curb at 10:48pm and found my darling Justin by the Apatosaurus. I eventually convinced him to walk me to my bus stop. As I said, you are going to love the highlights reel.

After a little jaywalking, I was on the 11:18pm bus back to my place. This blog post was finished at 12:30am on Thursday, 11Feb2016.

[Please embed a highlights reel of my last two days here.]

And now, my beautiful world, I answer all of your questions for me. Please keep collecting all questions and concerns from all your friends and loved ones and sending them to me through whatever means possible.

Did I ever play any sports? I am horrible at sports. That is one of the reasons I respect athletes so much; they are good at things I cannot do. As a wee lassie, I was so bad at tee ball I was positioned in the outfield. Ask my mom about it some time.

Pretty much the only sport I am any good at now is badminton.

What is one of my proudest accomplishments? After I offered my insight into the needs of retired troops, the U.S. Veterans Affairs Department overhauled itself to better serve America's heroes.

Which political party do I belong to? I am an independent voter with friends in both parties. I would love to start my own political party. Historically, the U.S. has a party realignment every fifty years, after all.

Was I ever bullied? I quit dance classes my freshman year of high school because the Iowan girls in lessons with me bullied me too much. Iowa is no place to raise children.

How do I feel about being cloned? I do not want to be cloned at all. What if you raise someone with all my powers but none of my benevolence? It sounds a little dangerous.

I know the world wants me to have children, so my DNA can romp and play for generations to come. I am working on it, but Obama still forbids any physical contact with both my boyfriend and my husband. We cannot even have conversations.

I am already thirty-eight years old and getting older every day. We should all be worried Obama has prevented me from ever having kids.

How did my darling Mr. Larry King, my darling Mr. Jon Stewart, my darling Mr. Brian Williams, my darling Mr. David Letterman, and my darling Mr. Craig Ferguson all lose their shows? Ask them all for the full story some time. Basically, for years they were friends of mine who used their fora to fight for me.

My beautiful world, you asked, so here is my updated Bucket List...

Squid's Bucket List -- updated 11Feb2016

Kiss all of the Queen's Lovers Five
Live for a time on a yacht traveling the world
See the Great Wall of China
Visit Easter Island
Go on safari in the Serengeti
Hike Machu Picchu... done
Visit the Pyramids at Giza, Luxor, etc.
Take the Trans-Siberian Railroad
Swim in the South Pacific... done
Ride through Patagonia on the back of a motorcycle
Climb a mountain... done
Sit in the Queen's box at Wimbledon
Live in San Francisco... done
Own an Olmec Head (no need to move it, just put a plaque by it)
Grow a luscious rooftop garden where I can touch the sky as I dance
Sing at Carnegie Hall... done
Study at Cambridge University, Cambridge, UK... done
Write a book... done
Publish a book of poetry
Write my memoirs
Create a sci fi TV show that educates the masses
Star in one movie beside my husband (As husband and wife in The Thin Man or as a Spanish Disney Princess who can talk to birds and other creatures in Pirates of the Caribbean 5... Or both if my husband is seductive about it.)
Dance on stage at a Rolling Stones concert
Pose for the cover of and high fashion photo shoot in W Magazine with all of my Powers of Attorney and the Queen's Lovers Five
Be a no-seafood-at-all eating judge on Iron Chef
Inspire a renaissance... done
Start a fashion trend... done
Tell the stories of my trials and tribulations through music
Carry humanity through Global Climate Change
Make the world worthy of everyone who has died to rescue me
Change the world for the better... done
Start a charity or foundation... done
Create a scholarship program... done
Make girls proud to be girls
Move the nation... done
Save the world
Marry Johnny Depp and make him the father of my children... first half done

My brave rescuers, what do you need? The U.S. Military is chomping at the bit to rescue me. The Pentagon needs to give them orders that make them happy, or the troops are going to break ranks to show up undermining their entire power structure. What do you need from me and whom do you need me to speak with?

My BFF SynSyn and all of my genius Powers of Attorney, thank you for selflessly serving my self-identified people. I pride myself on the fact we never leave anyone behind.

I understand how busy you all are. Right now, I am trying to give you a little extra time to work through our logjam of legal activity. The world knows how hard you work. They thank you as much as I do.

Synny, did you have a good birthday? I wish I could have been there to celebrate with you. I do not even have your current mailing address anymore for sending gifts and letters. I hate this horrible "egg."

For all the young girls living in poverty with everything stacked against them since birth, please tell your life story and include it here. We are a long way from the bakery now, my BFF, and I would have died long ago if you had not stood up for me.

You are the closest thing my beautiful world has to another me. Did you ever read the letter I sent the Jim Henson Company about you?

My musician-lovers MannedUp, GeneralLee, and Bogart, your song on my skin is the kiss of milk and honey.

My darling Mr. Taylor "MannedUp" Hanson, may I ask you to play the 7pm shift during the week instead of the 1pm shift? I am trying to find a way to see you all as much as possible.

You can keep me Friday, Saturday, and Sunday all day after lunch, but I cannot search high and low for you Monday through Thursday until after dinner. I just do not have enough money for buying that many meals away from my board & care. Are you guys okay with that?

My darling Mr. Brien "GeneralLee" Dennehy, I am so sorry I missed our (collective) Tuesday night gig last week. I am working on making sure that never happens again. Darling, I only get to see you on Tuesdays.

What will it take to get you playing on my Promenade again? I miss you so much during the week. Do you remember how we used to chat?

My darling Mr. Bryan "Bogart" Eno, your SquidName is a reference to my darling late Humphrey Bogart's defining character in Casablanca.

From what I can tell from my friends' feedback, if we took a public survey asking who is everyone's favorite of the Queen's Lovers Five, you would be polling ahead of my darling Sweetness. Everyone loves you.

My Royal Consort LightFoot whom I am STILL forbidden from speaking with least of all ever making love to, I enjoy it, too, when I tell people you are my boyfriend. How does it feel when you tell people the Squid is your girlfriend?

My darling Mr. Kris "LightFoot" Novoselic, back when I was still living with my darling Vinny, The Marshall Law band used to play the Grant & Green often.

Their lead singer used to play me a song by my darling Keb' Mo' because no matter how many men he watched flirt with me on his dance floor, I was just there to dance. That was a lifetime ago.

You are officially "that guy." You know, "that guy" who gets "that girl" from the dance floor. I wonder how "that guy" translates into other cultures.

And thank you for mellowing out. Do you know how ridiculous it is to say, "No, my husband would be okay with it; it's my boyfriend who is the jealous type."?

And for the place of honor in every blog post... My darling husband, Sweetness, I love and adore you. How is my king today?

My darling the Mr. Johnny "Love-of-my-Life" Depp, sometimes I feel like an old married couple that does not sleep together anymore. I know I can count on you for anything, and I know you will never leave me. But our geography problem is killing me.

HoneyHoney, the lady drinking wine in the prohibition era blues bar reminded me we need to talk about the Viper Room. Please, handsome, no wine in my rock bar. Giggle.

My not-human-trafficker nerds, please include here a verified, responsibly-edited, and time-and-date-stamped recording with full audio and visuals of my last trip there. End with my long, slow, zenned out walk back to Mel's.

Sweetness, I am as romantically attached to the Viper Room as you are. You made sure I can literally own a dance floor. But please fix the awning over the main door; it is so raggedy you would think the staff were running the place into the ground. And did you clean up the staff in there? Dude, those people work for us?

My hero and my king, I have spent most of my adult life as a hopeless pedantic. Giggle. My old age has brought a deeper appreciation for the depths the soul can bring to everyday human existence. I never would have survived without knowing you love me. Thank you.

Until I touch you the way the flowers kiss the rain...

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