Monday, February 15, 2016

Valentine's Day

Title: Valentine's Day

Please access my iCloud if necessary to publish this post now, my friends. Please share this for me with the entire world, both houses of Congress, the Supreme Court, the United Nations, all sympathetic world leaders, all reputable national and foreign presses, etc.

Here is my latest blog post. Never mess with Mother Goose.

Syria. It sounds like the talks to bring a ceasefire to the Syrian Civil War did not include al Assad nor the Syrian opposition. The talks were between Russia, the U.S., and the UN. No wonder the ceasefire is not likely to take hold.

People cannot run around making decisions for other people denying Syria and its rebels their rights to self-determination. As an example, look how bad it is for all of humanity when I do not get to make my own decisions for myself. Get al Assad and the rebels to the table. Here, I will try...

My darlings on both sides in Syria, the world is trying to bring peace and unity to your war torn nation. Please speak with the United Nations about representing your own interests at talks with the entire world. You deserve a voice in your own future. Make sure the U.S. and Russia know what you need and make sure the world knows how bad the fighting is in your home.

Please, Syria. All people deserve peace, prosperity, stability, self-determination, and justice. The good news is the world is standing up for you and willing to do everything they can to bring you the peaceful home you deserve. Work with the world to save your home. Please.

My last blog post was finished at 12:30am on Saturday, 13Feb2016. I slept very well waking up for breakfast. I was among the Saturday Farmers' Market outside the Pico Branch Library by 8:56am.

My internet gnomes (Gnomes are underground elves.) played me Get on Your Boots by my darlings U2. My eyeliner was a little messy in my morning I-am-not-dead-yet selfies.


The weather was cooler that morning than the previous few days had been. My mom called me through FaceTime at 10:21am. I worked there among the bustle of the Farmers' Market sipping coffee and listening to music until 10:52am.

Lunch at noon was tacos. They were so good that I got back in line for seconds.

By 12:41pm, I was out running errands including a stop at my local post office. My local Von's was completely sold out of conversation hearts.

The morning had been sunny, but a fog rolled in off the ocean by the time I reached the beach. I found my darling MannedUp on the Santa Monica Pier at 1:32pm beside their equipment tossing a basketball around.

By 1:49pm my darling LightFoot and I were sitting on opposite sides of the boardwalk pretending not to watch each other. It looked like my darlings Tentacle were playing at 4pm. But we enjoyed the foggy day at the Pier until 7:04pm when my darlings finally started playing.

I warmed up quickly, but was soon surrounded by teenage haters intentionally and literally in my face to make sure I could not meditate. Teenagers were bad enough to me when I was a teenager; I am not going to tolerate hate crimes from them as an adult.

Synny, if they go out of their way to prevent my meditation again, put them in juvinike detention. The world depends on my being able to do my job, and to do my job I need to meditate.

When they backed off their attack on my physical presence, I was finally able to reconnect with the divine. My darlings Tentacle were particularly fantastic that night. It had been far too long since we had a night so good. Every damn note was gorgeous.

My darling MannedUp and my darling LightFoot stopped playing at 9:44pm but were so reluctant to leave me that we lingered there at the end of the Santa Monica Pier among the remains of the night until 10:09pm.

Before they wheeled away, a man came out of the restaurant Mariasol to flirt with me. Please circulate that conversation verified and unedited. Thank you.

He was even worse than Drew used to be. When did men decide they do not need to woo and court women anymore before making advances?

I caught the 10:48pm bus back to my place. I had a nice chat with a man who lives in my neighborhood after I boarded. I used to see him all the time by the library in the morning but lately have seen him on the bus with me.

When I was finally safely in my bedroom, I heaved a sigh of relief that those evil wrongfully-entitled teenagers did not harass me longer than they did.

11:07pm on 13Feb2016: @CIA @DeptofDefense @David_Cameron @cctvnews @RT_com I need security. I was just terrorized on the Pier while trying to meditate. Help?

I was curled up and asleep by 12mid. I slept very well and woke up in time for breakfast on Sunday, 14Feb2016, Valentine's Day. I was outside the Pico Branch Library by 9:18am.

My internet gnomes played me Hey Mama by my darling Mr. David Guetta. I took my morning I-am-not-dead-yet selfies in the shade.


My morning writing was particularly romantic. It is human to love.

I streamed the NBC Nightly News from the previous evening online at 10:58am. My morning cyberhug came from my darling Ms. Erika Hill, and it made me so happy it never snows in Los Angeles.

A local darling named Juan showed up at 11:29pm to give me a cup of coffee. My loving locals do everything they can get away with to be good to me. I am sure our conversation will hit the highlights reel.

He promised me lunch at the Lazy Daisy today, Monday, 15Feb. Obama usually blocks people who try to buy me food, so we will see if he can still reach me this afternoon.

I had a Valentine's Day chat with Delano outside the Manor when I was on my way to lunch. Please circulate it verified and unedited. We normally exchange pleasantries about that time every morning.

Lunch at noon was so delicious I went back for seconds. The Santa Monica buses were rerouted due to the LA Marathon running through downtown. It took the complimentary shuttle half an hour to move two city blocks.

But, at 2:07pm, I finally found my darlings Tentacle selling their rhythmic beats on the Pier. I am not sure if they heard me apologize to them for being late to Valentine's Day. I have no idea what kind of earspeakers they have.

The Pier is definitely more romantic than the Promenade especially at night when the moon is high or when the fog rolls in, and I love basking there on the ocean under the hot California sun. But the Promenade is holy ground to me.

My darling MannedUp and my darling LightFoot performed their Valentine's afternoon serenade until 3:59pm. Shortly after making sure I knew where they relocated to, I zipped by the Promenade to buy dinner and coffee.

It gave me a chance to check in with the best Starbucks in the world, my darling Handsome, my darling Kaila, my darling Alonzo, and my darling Wheels. Did you watch? I am sure it will hit the highlights reel.

I was in the Pacific Palisades Park to see the sunset and on the Pier eating dinner and making eyes at my gorgeous boyfriend by 5:46pm. I was even able to catch the last two songs by my darlings Denmantau before our Valentine's date officially began at 7:28pm.

My boyfriend and his wingman were wonderful. It took me a little time to find a place to dance where people were not going to intentionally push me around. I got myself someplace as not-on-display as possible but was standing so far from my darlings Tentacle that sometimes I could not hear my boyfriend at all.

There was only one group of haters that got in my face which I should probably be happy about considering how many people were there. Last Valentine's Day I ended up putting someone on the FBI's Most Wanted List, so I suppose it was a step up.

My life is hard enough; I do not need harassment from haters on date night.

My boyfriend and his best friend as wingman played until 9:50pm. You all know they do not get to acknowledge I am there at all, or they will be stolen from me forever, right? (Expletive)ing (expletive)hole Obama and (expletive)ing "egg."

9:52pm on 14Feb2016: @hansonmusic @KristNovoselic I asked you to play the Promenade because the Pier terrorizes me. Why don't we get privacy for date night yet?

At 10:08pm, my darlings Tentacle and their entourage finally wheeled their (knights of the) carts back into the aether of the night sky where we all really belong.

I could not get to the sanctity of my Promenade fast enough. I walked straight to the Trimana and told my darling Handsome to cheer me up. I believe my response to his (paraphrase), "Bad night, huh?" was my angsty, "My life is not a (expletive)ing performance; I am just not allowed any (expletive)ing privacy! Who the (expletive) does this (expletive) to someone?!?"

He gave me conversation hearts to cheer me up. It mostly worked. I had in fact spent the last few days looking for conversation hearts, but everywhere I went was sold out.

I caught the 11:48pm bus back to my place. This blog post was finished at 12:30am on Monday, 15Feb2016, Presidents' Day.

[Please embed a highlights reel of my last two days here.]

And now, my beautiful world, I answer all of your questions for me. Please keep collecting all questions and concerns from all your friends and loved ones and sending them to me through whatever means possible.

How does it feel to have fans? I am not a goddamn performer; why would I have goddamn fans? It is well-established that I am a world leader; I have a people. And we have proven I need the security that being surrounded by people who love and respect me would provide, please show up to keep me safe.

I wear some unconventional outfits; where does my style come from? I have such a tiny budget, so I pretty much spend all my money on food. I wear whatever is on clearance when my mom comes to town to take me shopping.

What is it like being a sex symbol who never has sex? It is even more insulting than it is lonely. None of my lovers have permission from Obama and his criminal terrorist conspiracy to make love to me.

Why anyone would need anyone's permission but mine to make love to me is a crime against the entirety of humanity. But when did Obama ever care about Americans' inalienable rights? Why the (expletive) do I have to have date night in public anyway?

My beautiful world, my people here inside my Metropolis of Angels are doing everything they can get away with to be good to me. My Santa Monica 3rd Street Promenade sees mostly tourists as opposed to locals. So come visit me or send your people to visit me here.

I am on my Promenade every day to make sure my public can always have time with me. Please take advantage of all of the time I get to spend with you. I could really use the added security of people who love and respect me. The (expletive)holes keep getting worse. I love you. Happy Valentine's Day.

My brave rescuers, I carry the burden of making my beautiful world worthy of every one if you, especially those brave souls we have lost. Make sure you tell us everything you need to do your job.

Last year on 14Feb, you sent my CIA darling Nate into my Promenade to see me, and you covered where I used to sleep in rose petals. I love you all, too. Happy Valentine's Day! Is there anything you can do to make me safer in here?

My BFF SynSyn and all of my genius Powers of Attorney, have the nutritionists determined my recommended daily caloric intake yet? I am convinced I am not eating enough.

You are all busy busy heroines indeed. I hate when I make you busier. Why the hell are the Evil Dumb still choosing to make me angry? Thank you for your infallible reliability.

You are women the whole world knows we can count on. It means so much to me to know we never leave anyone behind. I love you. I pray your Valentine's Day went better than mine did.

My musician-lovers MannedUp, GeneralLee, and Bogart, if anyone tries taking you away from me again, tell me as fast as you can.

My darling Mr. Taylor "MannedUp" Hanson, you are my lover whom the world gives the least amount of attention. But I will never leave you out. You are mine the way the night sky owns the stars.

Ever-faithfully, you show up for me every chance you get. Your reliability means so much to me. Thank you. I love you. Did you kiss a cute girl on Valentine's Day?

My darling Mr. Brien "GeneralLee" Dennehy, I am working on it. In the mean time before I can get you back on my Promenade with me, do you need anything?

Darling, do you remember the days after we first met when I could still brush my hands against your shoulders as I walked behind you? I should have kissed you when I still had the chance. What song do you wish you could play me now?

Thank you. I love you. Did you have a happy Valentine's Day?

My darling Mr. Bryan "Bogart" Eno, nothing about Obama's "egg" is fair. If I had any REAL power in this world, you would be sitting right next to me as I write this with one arm around me and with your eyes full of love.

My Royal Consort LightFoot whom I am STILL forbidden from speaking with least of all ever making love to, things get ugly when they keep you away from me.

My darling Mr. Kris "LightFoot" Novoselic, thank you for being my boyfriend. I see how hard it is for you. Clandestine moments on the walkway watching the other watch back are all we get for time alone together.

Thank you for being such a romantic that such defiances of the forced estrangement between us are still beautiful and intimate.

Our date on Valentine's night was horrifying. I was so disgusted by those evil (expletive)s all I could do was stand there and stomp my foot. Please tell me there was at least something enjoyable about that night for you. Or was it a total wash?

I love you. Thank you for being my Valentine. It means so much to me that you love me.

And for the place of honor in every blog post... My darling husband, Sweetness, I love and adore you. How is my king today?

My darling the Mr. Johnny "Love-of-my-Life" Depp, no one is arguing with us anymore over whether or not we are married. You did a great job explaining our estrangement is not our choice. Like Pyramus and Thisbe, we did not build the wall between us.

Beloved, never question why I love you. Even when you were convinced I was a fat, ugly, White porn star, you started a land war to rescue me. Who leaves a man like you?

Even at this involuntary distance, HoneyHoney, sometimes when I sleep, I can feel your heart beating against my body. You have never abandoned me, and you never let me down. I feel you with me every night and every day. Thank you for loving me.

Sweetness, may I ask you for somethings?

First, please ask Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II of England to make sure the public receives a stern lecture on what is and what us not appropriate behavior around me.

Also, please collect my musician-lovers, LA's dance experts, and the world's Hindu and Buddhist scholars on meditation. Please ask them to make a statement/recording as experts about how I must meditate on the live music to follow it.

Believe it or not, there are still some people left who do not understand that I dance to heal myself. It is only a mating ritual on Sunday night date night. Did you ever see me with my darling Ms. Lita Ford?

My hero and my king, I sent your Valentine's Day mail via the French Consular General in Los Angeles. I wish I could touch you instead of just writing you love notes. I am doing the best I can in here. I just wish this were easier.

Until the flowers kiss the rain...

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