Sunday, May 8, 2011

Kiss For Sale

I am about to take a calculated slip off of my chaste, unerring, carefully-constructed moral high ground and risk harming mere mortal hearts. I rarely if ever risk toying with any person's heart or emotions, so this is your chance. You better take it. I am putting a kiss up for sale.

I vow to fully kiss the first person who can transport me from where I am now to my husband's arms in a place that refuses to comply with all of the rules that persecute me.

This does not mean that you merely get to kiss me. Oh, no, this means that I will actually lean in and kiss you. If you kiss me back, that is your choice. On the lips... tongue if you taste good... I will kiss you.

I know what the non-corrupt parts of the government are thinking... Would it not be all-American if it were a brave member of the military or a meek farm boy who rescues her? I, on the other hand, am demographic blind.

I know those that know me well are probably imagining legions of motorcycle-riding, part-time bartender, part-time musician types with arm tattoos going online by the droves to buy me a plane ticket from DSM- Des Moines International Airport in the name still on my ID of "Tanya H. A. Varilek," but this is open to everyone.

You could be a mild-mannered, curly red-haired lesbian from Detroit who likes Vegemite and lamb chops. You could be a balding, middle-aged, ex-hockey player who has pined after me ever since we went to kindergarten together. You could be an open comic-book fanatic who wears superhero t-shirts and underoos and who dreams of saving the galaxy every day by dinner time.

It does not matter who you are; if you are the one to send me to meet my husband in a land that does not comply, I will kiss you.

Right about now, I bet a CPA in a blue button-down and khaki pants just made a silent prayer that it will be Oprah. That is the demographic I imagine wants to see me kiss Oprah on national television.

The race is on. Who will win the kiss? It could be anyone. It could be you.

Sweetness, if you really are planning to push at rescuing me until federal agents have to take you in just so you can prove that defying Obama the Oppressor is not illegal and so you will be super-free to rescue me after, choose your company with your audience in mind. Bring along your lawyers AND some die-hard Squid supporters that could melt any federal agent... Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Angelina Jolie... Bring along some friends that Feds cannot help but help. They would all love to be my hero.

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