Saturday, August 21, 2010

Three Lost Communications


I just tried to leave a phone message at the French Embassy in London. I found that becoming lost in their phone system looking for someplace to leave a message was a great way to learn French... especially numbers. I know that this is the sort of thing I should have put into writing, but I am out of stamps and have not yet figured out a way to get more. Anyway, I wanted to leave them a message that went roughly as follows, except in my signature sultry voice...

"Bon jour, my name is Mrs. Tanya Hedelisa Albon Depp de Varilek, I know that is a mouthful in the Spanish naming tradition, also known as Ms. Squid B. Varilekova. My husband is a French citizen named Mr. Johnny Depp. (*giggle*) Perhaps you have heard of us.

I have written a few letters to Ambassador Maurice Gourdault-Montagne, but I now have a need to ask him and all of you for a new sort of help. I would really like to be put in the loving arms of my husband on French soil as soon as I can find a way out of this hospital in Liverpool, UK where I am kept against my will.

The EU's International Organization for Migration was going to help me return to the United States as soon as possible, but it required first that a doctor here at the hospital I am kept in admit that I am 'fit to travel.' She has yet to admit to such about me. The Organization has been arranging a way for me to travel home in the care of a licensed British psychiatrist. Instead of the States, I now feel I would be initially safest in the arms of my husband in France. Will and can you help me move to France?

The website for the International Organization for Migration is I frequently call them at 0800 ### #### in London where I speak with my case owner named S----.

There is a complication with this process involving my father in Iowa, USA. He is trying to force guardianship over me through the Polk County court system in Iowa in the United States, and he is the reason I do not yet feel I would be safe in the US. Polk County, obviously, has no jurisdiction over me. I moved out of Iowa permanently on June 8th, 2009. Sometimes stupid happens with things that concern me, though, and I find that I need your help as well asserting that I have a French husband whom I have asked to help arrange a French passport and French residency for me.

If necessary to keep my father at bay, I am even willing to ask my Power of Attorney and you to help arrange my husband as guardian over me, especially if it would help remove me from this hospital sooner.

As for deeming me 'fit to travel,' they like to pretend to have concerns over the length of the trip to San Francisco from here. A shorter trip to France instead also takes that excuse away from them as a reason to keep me here.

I know I do not yet understand the French language very well, but I am (*giggle*) a very quick learner of languages.

If possible, please contact me here at the The Windsor House Medical Facility in Liverpool at the number 0151 250 5300. The mailing address for me here is 40 Upper Parliament Street, Toxteth, Liverpool L8 7LF.  Thank you so much for all of your time and attention, and please take care."

Well, I do now plan to send them a letter stating all of that once I can manage to get my hands on some postage stamps.


I have also been trying to get my mother to send my tiki idol named Moetai to my husband for me. This is the third time I have requested politely that she send him. I know better than to put a deity in the mail, but what other way do I have right now?


There is also a gremlin in my email communications pretending to be my best friend Syniva Whitney. Here is what my last few emails with her email account have looked like...

Squid Varilekova to Syniva
7:43 PM (15 hours ago)


I sincerely hope this email reaches you. How are you? I hear you are moving! What is the good news from your life?

I am SO SORRY that my family is such a pain to you. I am still trying to fix that. My dad is currently trying to force guardianship over me. I know you probably don't want to have to deal with this problem, but would you like me to mail you the papers to keep you up to date with what is happening? I believe it should be taken care of Monday, but you never know with these things. Stupid sometimes runs rampant with things that concern me.

Please tell me some good news from your life.

Please take care,
-- TanTan a.k.a. Squiddie

"Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again."


Here is the fake response from Syniva...

Syniva Whitney to me
5:25 AM (5 hours ago)


I did try to email you quite sometime ago that I do not have power of attorney for you and have communicated that to your parents. I consulted with a lawyer and sent your family a letter and copies of the will and power of attorney papers you sent to me last year. In the letter I stated that I do not want or have power of attorney in your case. I'm sorry I can't help you , and I truly believe that your parents love you and are trying to help you. I don't think it would be appropriate to send me any documentation. I do believe that you have been very sick for quite some time and I really hope that you get the care that you need. I'm trying to be as clear as I can be, and again I simply do not have the resources to help you. I think you are a wonderful person and I truly hope that you find the comfort, safety and love that you need in your life, you deserve it.


"Lipstick is not just for looking glamorous; it can be used to signal for help on windows and other surfaces." ---Nancy Drew

Clearly, there was no more to do than ask benevolent nerds to deliver all of my real messages to my best friend in all of the universe and beyond.

Squid Varilekova to Syniva
9:02 AM (1 hour ago)

You and I both know full well that Power of Attorney would have moved to Amita if Syniva did not feel comfortable with it.

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