Sigh...

I just watched the Gogol Bordello concert that was streamed live on Rolling Stone's website. These are the things that make this purgatorial part of my life bearable. What I really need (in addition to quality media) are more occasions to leave this house and spend time out among good people. I am working on it. This house can feel like such a prison sometimes.

New Years Eve was delightful and awkward. I went down to the House of Bricks in Des Moines to see local bands. Oddly, I did not dance. I even dressed to make a complete spectacle of myself, and I still did not dance. The room was not full, and what few people were there decided to wield their cameras instead of hitting the dance floor. The whole thing was just awkward. Three people asked me for hugs before I left, but no one seemed to understand fully who I am in this world. It was just strange.

I need a regular haunt. I think that would fix the awkwardness that erupted when I went out. I need the chance to leave the house and go to one or a few places regularly... just so people can get used to seeing me around... so people can see who I am and what I do in this world.

This was not a problem when I went to see the "Da Vinci: the genius" exhibit at the Science Center of Iowa last week. The only awkward thing there was how people were not allowed to speak to me. Everything else made sense. The exhibit, by the way, was as good as anyone could expect it to be. Da Vinci's works are never allowed to travel, but the exhibit made up for it in creative ways.

I laid off the exercise last week to about three times instead of everyday. I was right. Weight loss is easier with a year's worth of testosterone in your body, but it really made my breasts shrink. I do not really know how to feel about losing my curviness. Oh well, at least I am healthier.

I also thought I would give you an update on my symptoms. I have had the diagnosis of schizophrenia for so long that I know how to recognize which symptoms I have and which I do not. I know when I am sick, and I know when I am not. I also know when to seek help, and I know what that help should be. Right now, I occasionally get a few pangs of the beginnings of depression, and that is about it. All things considered, this is a miracle. My body, on the other hand, is slowly working through all of the trauma I have lived through. It took a lot of bravery to see a chiropractor. I am healing, and the only thing wrong with my mind is a little depression. Yes, I am taking care of the depression. Exercise really helps.

I am still throwing around the idea of making babies. You know, should I keep the circle of life rolling?... Should I spread my genetic coding around to romp and play for generations to come? I absolutely refuse to have children unless they are with my husband. And really, what kind of weird, eccentric, super-human children are going to come from the two of us? The problem is I am already 33 years old. I am coming close to that cut-off of 35, and we all know we need to have more than one child if we have one at all. There would be entirely too much pressure on our baby if we had only one. But is it even going to be possible? If this bubble of reality around me and the nation does not pop soon, there will be no way for me have kids.